2004-04-22 - 9:08 a.m.
Well. So much for never ending dramas. This is probably the most boring diary I've ever owned. Although all my other ones only ever consisted of three topics - Hanson, the crush I had on my cousin for five years and the overwhelming jealously I always had for my sister. So maybe it's a good thing this one is so different.
I am so fucking bored right now it's not funny. Work for the last two days has been...silent. There is NOTHING to do. I mean, I don't want to go back to the McDonald's zone where you're getting yelled at for not being able to perform a billion tasks at once, but I would like some actual work to do. Plus I'm starving. Fucking diet. Again. But I've lost nearly 2 kilos in a week so I can't really complain, even if I am dying for a Caramello bar. Mmm, Caramello...so creamy and yum...oh God I could have an orgasm eating a Caramello right now, that's how bad my craving is.
Pretty pathetic isn't it?
Must buy some more celery. For some reason it fills me up really well. And it's no points according to Weight Watchers! Woo! Well I suppose two kilos down, eighteen to go before September. That's when the big trip across the ditch happens. I.E we go to Australia. I'm really looking forward to it but I know that if I go the fat frump I am now I won't enjoy myself as much.
EVERYONE over there is skinny. Grrr.
Went to the gym this morning and nearly killed myself in the process. My trainer pushed me sooo hard, I thoght I was going to vomit/faint/die in that order but he pushed me to do it. He seemed impressed, said that I would never have got through that at the beginning. So I guess that's something good. He's really hot. Not as hot as David (in my eyes) but pretty bloody hot. I'm so hungry right now though, I'm supposed to eat something no more than two hours after a work out and the only things in close proximity are biscuits and chocolate bars.
David still unemployed. Am getting very frustrated and depressed about paying for everything. He hasn't paid for groceries/power/phone/bank fees in over two months. It's starting to piss me off. He hardly looks for a job and every time I bring it up he gets all upset and is like "But I AM looking!" Where are you looking David, up your arse? Cos that's about all that's come out of your looking - shit all. I would love to have some money. I really would. It seems so fruitless for me to sit here every day pleasing the most demanding people on earth (real estate agents, that is) and yet all my money is gone on pay day. All because he can't be arsed writing up a C.V and dropping it off to a few people. His sister managed to find a job quicker than him. He won't do anything, he only wants to do retail. He won't pump petrol or work in a supermarket, just to tide us over until he gets the thing he really wants. I don't think he even knows what that is himself.
He's probably reading this. He always reads my diaries. There has been no privacy in my life since I moved in with him a year ago, which probably explains my lack of diary entries since I did move. Nothing is sacred anymore. Sigh...
Fuck I'm hungry. Soooo hungry. I suppose I've got to think of it as a good sacrifice - I'll be thin. Imagine losing 20 kilos. That's a lot of weight. Everyone would be real proud (excpet David. He hardly lifted his selfish head from the computer when I told him I had lost nearly 2 kilos in a week. I shouldn't be surprised, I've come second to his Xbox fetish since we started going out...)
It's funny, I'm making all these complaints about David and yet I won't leave him. Any sensible person probably would have by now. I seriously wanted to on many occasions. But he always ends up in tears, begging me he'll change, that he'll cut down his time on the Xbox and won't spend so much money on games and Xbox magazines.
Well guess what? He went and put a game on his credit card last week and for the last week he has done nothing but play it. He gets up in the middle of the night and plays it! Come on! Does he not find this SLIGHTLY unhealthy? Another thing that's bugging me is I can't seem to be completely comfortable talking to him. We have nothing in common and he's never interested in my days at work or what I'm thinking or feeling. Unless I'm yelling at him or giving him the cold shoulder when he tries to talk to me. I only do that cos he pisses me off so much.
Look how many flaws there are in this relationship. Why am I bothering? Why am I constantly making myself depressed for his sake? I haven't been this unhappy in years - since I was at St Margaret's. Even then at least I could go home and be away from those bitches for a night. I can't this time. I go to work, I'm infinitely bored and isolated, I go home, David doesn't care unless I say I'm horny (which I NEVER am) and I find him glued to Splinter Cell or some other mentally eroding game.
I better go before I burst into tears. A sad song just came on the radio. "I Hope I Never Have To See You Again" by Split Enz. I love this song but it makes me cry. Even more so when I'm writing about how depressed I am.
Until next time...
