2004-06-15 - 10:46 a.m.
I decided something just now. If someone randomly stumbled across my diary, not knowing who the hell I was, they'd probably think I was some sort of patient who slipped through the New Zealand mental health system. Everything I write in here is either desperately sad or incredibly happy. So today I'm going for neutral, although they do tend to be the most boring type of entries and no doubt I'll go off on a tangent about something. But oh well. Shit happens.
Things between me and David have gotten better. I did this test on him and it was sorta stupid, I wish I hadn't, but I told him I cheated on him in Dunedin (which I didn't by the way, I never could, the guilt would kill me) to see how he'd react.
Boy oh boy. That guy loves me more than I can imagine.
He was crying. Tears! MAN tears! Men don't cry but he did, he was so hurt, I wish I hadn't done it. But I told him the truth...of course he's confused as hell, I don't blame him, but I never truly realised how much I really mean to him. It was a real eye opener.
Then we made love seven times. Seven! I know! Our record's nine but considering I'd been travelling all weekend and was absolutely stuffed seven's pretty legendary. He can be a machine when he wants to be. The best sex we have seems to be when one of us is angry, it gets all heated and passionate, like we need to take it out through...okay I'll stop getting graphic, I'm making even myself sick.
(psst I even went on top - which I usually HATE. Okay I really will stop now)
I'm in this haze where I just want to run to a registry office with him and sign a bit of paper saying I'm his wife. I'm more desperate than ever to marry him but then I doubt myself because I've always doubted us getting married. I suppose now I see how he really truly feels about me (geez Sarah, only took you a year and a half...) I'm scared something awful is going to happen and the chance will slip away.
Anyways I'll revert back to yesterday's entry for an update - he may still get a job at Telecom but it won't be until August, and hopefully his name will be put forward first because the managing director really REALLY liked him. Telecom fucked it up by the sounds of it, they hired the entire first group without even looking at the second one that David was in. So it was kinda a big cock up but he was absolutely horrible to be around last night. All he did was snap and yell and swear at me. I got so upset I burst into tears in front of him (something I do very rarely) and started apologising. Though I'm not sure what for. That was when he said sorry and he calmed down a bit. I know he was pissed, he would've done so well at that job and they practically told him he had it. Sigh. I guess I was very very angry last night. I won't be going into McDonald's with a glock anytime soon (still, it would be fun to see Mersey on her knees begging me not to harm her).
Went to the gym for the first time in about two weeks last night and nearly died in the process. I felt sick by the end of it but this may have been because I only had some potato chips and nothing else before I went. David went and got the groceries - something he's never done - and he only missed three items which I went back for. He dropped his credit card in the supermarket which was really stupid, that's his second one, but thankfully some kind samaritan found it and handed it in. It didn't even have his signature on it, most people would just grab it and spend. Idiot...
I am busting to go to the loo and attend to my stupid period. I shouldn't call it stupid, I was grateful just to get it cos it was three days late. I was panicking. Last thing I need right now is to fall pregnant. The only way for us would be to abort it but I know, somewhere deep in my heart of hearts, that I couldn't go through with it. I just couldn't. My mother was going to have me aborted and if she had I wouldn't be here right now. I couldn't keep living my life knowing I had willingly killed me and David's child. It wouldn't be right. So all I can do is keep taking my pill and pray it doesn't happen until we're married and have more money.
And that should be it for today, I'm bored as per usual so I might hit the euka tables. If I sign onto MSN Geo will keep messaging me until I reply, which I never do cos he keeps pissing me off. He doesn't get that I'm not writing anymore, does he? Okay I love you bye byeeeee!!!
