2004-07-28 - 11:17 a.m.
Last night I was talking to Liz, David's sister up in Wellington, about how he'd been unemployed for nearly six months. I said "I'm worried he's going to get lazy." She replied with "Get there? He's beyond lazy." At the time I disagreed with her but a mere sixteen hours later I'm fully with her on this one. He's a selfish, lazy pig and for the life of me I don't understand WHY I'm still with him! So many times I've said to myself I should leave, so many diary entries have been filled with how badly I want to leave. And I can't do it! Why? I think I know why now. Because this relationship is the one thing I have been successful in. I dropped out of school, my jobs have been spectacular flops but I moved into a house with my partner and we've managed to survive. I've succeeded in that.
Haven't I?
How can I succeed in something I'm starting to feel is so wrong, not just for me but for David too. It's all fake. When I tell him I love him, I say it with such a deadpan tone I don't know how he can believe it. I never want to have sex anymore, I snap at the littlest thing he says or does...it's all falling apart and yet because I refuse to leave, he refuses to accept it. He thinks everything is okay. He thinks I'm happy living with a lazy bastard who won't even get off the computer to walk 20 minutes to buy a paper and look for a job. He thinks I'm happy faking my orgasms. HE THINKS I LOVE HIM AND I DON'T KNOW IF I DO ANYMORE.
God DAMMIT. He's just so immature. I grew up years ago and he's still pre-pubescent. I should just bite the bullet, admit I was wrong (again) and that this effort was a complete flop and go back to Mum and Dad. God I miss them so much. What the hell made me want to leave them in the first place? Every time I go over there I never want to leave. It's so secure and happy, why would I want to go back to someone who puts me second to his techno loves?
I suppose you're wondering what's triggered all this (again). I asked David to do something very simple for me. I forgot my passport photos which I need to get signed TONIGHT or I won't get a passport in time for Aussie. So I asked if he wouldn't mind catching a bus and dropping them off to me. But he immediately made a big deal about it, said that he'd have to hang around for nothing and that it would take too much time. Too much time compared to what? Sitting on the computer or checking the mail every damn second to see if your fucking LP has arrived?! He's got NOTHING else to do, nothing at bloody all, and he won't do one little thing to help me out.
FUCK YOU DAVID TWADDLE. One day, not too far away, I WILL leave you. I'll cry and I'll go over the memories but I have to do it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want the guilt of stringing you along in a fake relationship. There are so many other girls who would gladly shack up with you, most of them wolfwhistle at you when you walk down the street, so you wouldn't be alone for long.
And maybe one day, I'll be lucky enough to get everything right for a change. Then I can stop being an embarrassment to my family.
