2004-11-03 - 10:49 a.m.
Wow. So much has happened - I hardly realised I hadn't updated in so long. Not that anyone's reading this but just for my own personal benefit, I'd better recap what's happened in the last 79 days (apparently that's how long it's been. I hate the accuracy of computers.)
We'll start with work, then progress to family, friends and the ultimate biggie...my personal life. Eeek. All looking forward to that one, aren't we?
Well work sort of dissolved in front of my very eyes. My time at Gillmans came to an abrupt and very messy end which I am bound by the law to keep as secret as possible. I suppose I can disclose that there was a showdown between me and Paul, as that was always planned, but it was way worse than I ever imagined it would be. Luckily I was able to walk away on the very same day and never go back. Not so luckily I started working here, TransDiesel, which is Dad's work, the next day. Now I should be saying it IS lucky, that I should count my lucky stars that my father was kind enough to create an opporutnity for me in his company. But I don't like it here at all. I don't have a proper job title, I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and I KNOW people talk about me behind my back. This isn't some paranoid bloody instinct of mine, I just know it. The whole "boss's daughter" thing is getting to me and I just feel like I always have to prove myself. I'm more than dad's daughter. I'm Sarah McLaughlin, I can type 79WPM, I'm a computer whiz and I have the cleanest driving record I know of. But this doesn't count. Daddy got me in so that's what my job is based on. It sucks so I've applied for some call centre type jobs - got one reply in two hours! Hopefully that should get me out of here quick smart.
Now what was I talking about next...oh yes, family. Hmm, what can I say? They're all okay I guess. Gemma's having real problems at school, most of her friends have turned their backs on her but she's only got two days left and then the world's her oyster. She's going to get a job but here's what she's NOT prepared to do:
1)Work in a supermarket
2)Work in a mall
3)Work anywhere involving customers
Doesn't really leave a lot for a 17 year old school leaver does it? I hate myself for this but I can feel those little pits of jealously bubbling up inside me again and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it when I look at her. She's so beautiful. When she starts to go clubbing EVERY guy is gonna hit on her, and I'll be the fat sister in the corner. Yeah I know I'm a bloody sob story but I don't care, I'd give anything to have her looks and her figure.
I suppose the only other news concerning my family is that my grandfather passed away last week so we were in Westport for his funeral. However I am SICK of all the bullshit that goes on over there concerning Nana. I love her but she's really getting on my goddamn nerves lately. I mean, we were there for a funeral, for the only grandfather I have ever known (I don't count Chappy sorry) and she was acting like it was a great holiday for all of us. Yeah. Ignore the fact that when we got back from the funeral my mascara was absolutely streaked from crying and I was so depressed I had to retreat to a bedroom for the rest of the day. But of course she has such resentment for Grandad that she couldn't even bear to acknowledge what we were going through. I hate it. We couldn't even talk about what a lovely service it was because it's all "be careful what you say around Nana." In some ways I wish she'd grow up. People divorce all the time and it's been nine years since they went their separate ways. And I still haven't quite forgiven her for trying to forbid him from seeing me, Gemma and Emma (our cousin). What right does she have to say that we can't see him?
Wow. That was a long ramble. I guess I can't really express these things to my mother because, well, it's HER mother isn't it.
Okay next thing was friends. Friends? What are they? My already meager number of friends has dwindled to zero and I just feel incredibly lonely. There's no one to go out with, to dance with, to talk to on the phone or meet up with in the weekend. I'm just on my own every bloody day and I dread the weekends as I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.
But...what about David? Of course you asked that question, I live with him right?
Well not anymore.
I walked away from our house and from him two or three weeks ago. I've done nothing but cry, contemplate suicide/running away and think about whether I've done the right thing since. He lives in Wellington now with his parents. I miss him like hell but I don't like the way he keeps expecting me to just run back to him at the drop of a hat. I knew the feeling was gone. I knew a long time ago - hell, you've seen my entries in here about him. I wanted to leave ages ago. But that doesn't stop this incredible, gaping hole in my heart from closing over. I miss him more than I can say.
Now please don't get confused, I don't miss the sex, I can live without that. (no really, I can) Also note that I don't miss the XBox, or lying in bed knowing he's in the other room attached to it, or the immaturity, or having no money because he can't support himself. I don't miss any of those things. But I miss his face, his voice, his comments about me and how much he loves me. The fact that he was always there when I needed him and I desperately wanted him to come to Grandad's funeral. The last thing I heard Grandad say when I last saw him was when he was talking to David, and he said "You take good care of my grandaughter. She's very precious." But of course David couldn't come, and everyone's expecting me to be over him and move on with my life.
But I can't. We were together for two years and I gave him all of me while we were together. He knows me inside out. I know him inside out. We bounced off each other and made each other laugh. And God I miss him so much it hurts.
Still, I'm pretty sure I don't love him the way I used to. I wish I did, I really truly wish I did, but I can't force myself to and I know that.
Sigh. This has been one long ramble and I apologise for not updating sooner. Now I better go before I get RSI in my fingers. Hopefully I'll update this quicker than this recent gap.
