2004-11-10 - 11:57 a.m.
I wonder what day it will be when I wake up in the morning and think - "Yes. This is what I want out of life." Because right now I'm waking up every morning and thinking the exact opposite. I don't want any of this. I don't want a job at Dad's work, or to be living at home, or a life without David. But all these things have happened because I chose for them to, and it's like now I'm accepting the consequences for them. Especially the David thing. My mother seems to be strong emphasising that it's HIGHLY unlikely we'll get back together like we were. But I don't know...I don't think it's possible to ever find someone who loves me as much as David did and still does. He loved me when I had PMS and gained 16 kilos and cut my hair too short for anyone's good. He loved me if I stormed off to our bedroom stating that I "need time alone." I guess what I'm saying is that he loved me unconditionally, and that's so so rare in guys my age. If their girlfriend weighs two kilos over what they were when they first started going out, the guy is all like, "Hmm, you're getting a little chubby, thought about joining a gym sweetie?"
Of course if any guy ever said that to me that would be the end of it, regardless of his good looks or how wonderful he was in bed. You can call me cranky and bitchy and temperemental and whatever, but you CAN'T call me fat and expect to get away with it.
Although I suppose those bitches at Maggots did. But I digress.
I am flying up to Wellington in...let's count the hours shall we...33.5 hours I think. I'm beside myself with excitement. I just want to touch David's face and see his smile again. I am really truly lost without him. There's just no fun in my life without him here, I don't go out or have anything to look forward to. With him there was everything - parties, movies, nights out, the rugby...yeah who the hell am I gonna go to the rugby with now?!
But at the same time my current "friends" are too much trouble to be worth keeping in contact with. For one they're in Dunedin, always studying or partying (two extremes huh) and for another whenever they come up here they NEVER want to see me. Yi Rang never came and saw our house because it was "too far away." For fuck's sake! It was ten minutes away, if that! I ALWAYS made an effort to get away from work or fit it round my weekends to see them. And they never liked David, which isn't my fault but really disheartened me. I'm sure somewhere in their hearts they're relieved I've broken up with him. I think a lot of people are, my parents included, which is really sad. The only person who seems truly unhappy about it (apart from me of course) is Alex, and I know he's missing David as well.
Oh God. For once I'd just like to get something in my life right. Dad's writing me out of his will because he can see that I'm going to be a nobody and he's pissed off that one of his daughter's is brilliant while the other is a complete dropkick. That's all I am now. I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything, I just know that I am a complete and utter dropkick. It doesn't really worry me. My only goals in life are to travel and get married and have babies. I don't want a career at 25 and kids at 35. That has never once appealed to me at all. In fact it sounds boring.
I'm about ready to cry again so I better move on. All I can think about is that this time last year we had just moved into our house and were so excited...we kept hugging each other, unable to believe that it was OUR HOUSE and we lived in it ON OUR OWN.
Fucking hell what have I done...
I can't think of much else to report. I went for my assessment for the TelstraClear job the other day and got outstanding marks. The only thing is I'm worried about them calling Gillmans for a reference because they want to speak to whoever hired me, which was either Sue or Mitch. I know they're not supposed to be biased because of the big showdown thingy but I know they will be. How could you not, if an employee treated you the way I did? I really badly want this job though. I'm sick of sitting here every day with nothing to do until 3pm and getting paid 10 stupid bucks an hour.
Anyways I think my time on here is up. It's lunchtime but I'm not particularly hungry. I suppose another good thing I can mention is that I've lost nearly 5 kilos on the Weight Watchers diet.
BUT GOD I MISS DAVID SO MUCH. How can I celebrate in anything without him here to share it with me? I found a perfect song about us the other day, here are some of the lyrics, it's called "Collide" by Howie Day...
"The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide"
