2005-03-06 - 5:17 p.m.
I don't really have much news but I feel I should update this thing before I go nuts and start loading the guilt on myself for not keeping a record of my somewhat turbulent life.
Well, it's not TURBULENT, just weird.
I had a big fight with Mum the other night. About...David. I pretty much told her it was very likely I would marry him, which scared the shit out of me. She thinks I need someone "stronger." I don't WANT someone stronger, David has been there for me in moments no one else has. When Grandad died he was all for jumping on a plane to comfort me and come to the funeral but the only reason I said no was cos we'd just broken up and I wasn't sure how my family would take it. My family is the real problem here. Not one person approves of him as my partner. They like him but they think I can do better. I don't want to be standing there on my wedding day, looking at the plastic smiles on my family's faces (or possibly frowns, who would know) with the knowledge that they disapprove of the man I'm marrying. He doesn't use me as a punching bag, he's grown up a ton since he moved away, and Goddamn he tries his hardest when he's around my parents but he gets so nervous that yes, he does end up saying weird remarks. But Christ, around other people he's great! He has this charisma that just draws people to him. But he's so intent on impressing my family that he gets flustered and says stupid things.
Hell, don't we ALL when surrounded by our potential spouse's family and close friends? I sure do, I know that.
I'd give anything for him to be able to ask my parents to marry me (which he really wants to do before anything is official) and for my parents to shake his hand and say "We'd be proud to have you as our son-in-law." Because they won't. They'll give each other looks and raised eyebrows, and probably go over the whole "are you sure about this?" lecture with him. Whereas his parents have said in the past they'd be happy for us to get married.
It seems their whole disapproval stems from his lack of money and people skills. The people thing I can understand, he's aspergers for chrissakes and was never diagnosed. But the money thing I won't stand for. My olds have NO idea I owe nearly 6000 bucks on my credit card and that he only owes 400. Granted when we were living together I paid for a lot of things but that was partly my fault too. I never encouraged him to get another job until he found something he REALLY wanted, just like I did. My mum thinks I just miss him cos he's my only friend but she doesn't know. I don't WANT to go out and party every Friday and Saturday night, I'm scared of drinking because of what it did to her and I'm SICK of making friends only for them to turn on me the first opportunity they get.
FRIENDS ARE NOT NEEDED IN MY LIFE.
I've been saying this to myself since I was ten years old and walked away from my first day at St Margaret's without having clicked with one single person. Who needs friends? I can get by fine without them. And I have. I don't have the urge to get pissed and dance with strangers on the weekend, or to go to movies in big clusters of people I hardly know. I don't miss him because he's my only friend, I miss him because I LOVE HIM. I love him so much it physically tears me up inside. I've cried throughout most of this entry and many more since he moved away.
I mean, shit, how many entries have I written about him that have ended up running around in familiar circles? Why do I bother? Why don't I just pack my bags tonight and jump a plane to Wellington, grab him and then jump a plane to Australia, and forget EVERYTHING here in this dismal little country? I sit here every day and think of him but then try not to because I want to appease my family. I mention his name as little as possible and try not to reminisce about events with him around them.
BUT FUCK IT, IT'S NOT FUCKING ENOUGH, IS IT?! If I just wiped him out of my life all together everyone would be fucking happy. Instead of being Sarah the loser who can't hold down a job and has a fuckwit for a boyfriend I would be Sarah the triumphent eldest, raking in the money at TelstraClear and finally having a social life.
If only they knew that I really hate social dealings and going out, that I'd loved to be holed up in me and David's little house with him forever.
God. Someone sort this out cos I fucking can't.
